The problem with me is I cannot hate you; no matter how many pains you hurled at me; no matter how badly you hurt me either intentionally or not, I always go back to that one thing—that I love you so. I always try to look for reasons why I should hate you, why I should let you go but at the end of the day, I couldn’t because I need you. With each passing day, I need you more than ever. And this kind of feeling for someone like you is dangerous for someone like me—you are both my cure and my poison. So how do you expect me to live with that?

 

What’s with you? I am willing to be like a fool. I am willing to swallow my pride which is very important with me. I’m willing to look cheap and desperate. Just for me to be with you. Just for that one thing I badly need from you. I know I am insane because of this too much love but I no longer care. I just want you and only you.

 

Yet, I know you don’t even give a slightest damn about me, about my feelings, about my endless show of concern and affection for you. Maybe I am not really worth it. Maybe you truly enjoy fooling around. Maybe you absolutely enjoy playing games with me. Maybe you love the idea of someone like me is head over heels to someone like you. And I don’t know.

 

Right now, my head is filled with nothing but tangled thoughts. Also, I could no longer separate the truth from the lies. I no longer know the real and pure things. And to make it all more fuck up? I no longer care as long as you’re there.

There are just these days that I simply don’t want to speak or talk to anybody. It doesn’t mean that I am pushing them away in my life. I just need these kinds of moments. I need to be alone with all of these raging thoughts in my head. I need to find solitude. I need to stay away from everyone even to those persons who mean the most to me. I just need some space and air for myself. I need some distance. During this time, talking tends to be tiring for me; I simply want to stay in one corner and think whatever the hell is going on in my life. Some may never understand me or this certain behavior of mine. But I cannot blame them since I even don’t understand myself why I need this. Maybe this is who I really am. Maybe, I truly find inner happiness, peace and myself when I am alone. But one thing is for sure, I will come back and talk to the people around me sooner or later. Maybe I am simply too lost and broken lately to start acting like this once more.

Call me stupid. I tried giving you a call earlier this morning since I’ve heard in the news that your city was hit by the earthquake. I wan to make sure that you’re still doing fine despite the tragedy. But unfortunately, both of your numbers could no longer be reached. I tried several times on different times today but I still got the same old tragic result. I felt sad since those numbers are precious to me. They are my connections to you. Most of our wonderful memories happened through them. So what to do now? I’ve totally lost you. It just a proof that you’re no longer coming back. You didn’t even inform me. Are you already out of the country? If so, great. I would no longer hear from you. Just great.

In case you can read this, how are you? I hope you’re doing fine. Honestly, the reason why I don’t change my numbers is the truth that I was somehow hoping that you’d be back. We’re not friends in any social media account so how can I reach you if I lost your number? If you can read this, I just want you to know that I missed you badly. I truly missed talking to you. I missed those late night conversations. I missed the way my phone rings any time of the day since you’re calling me up. I missed you, would you still come back?

Yeah, you’re one of the monsters in my past that keep on taunting me any time of the day. Great, right?

Nineteen Things I Learned as I Deal with Adulthood

A. Life is one big, complex and complicated mess. It does not always go according to plan. It always finds its absurd reason to ruin every single plan you made for yourself in your head. The timeline you created when you were little? As much as I hated to be the bearer of a horrible news, it does not usually happen for most people. Those which did, well, they are great and lucky. Chances are indeed in their favors.

B. You really have to embrace your imperfections because nobody will ever do it for you except for you and yourself. You have to love the frizziness of your curly hair, the big bags under your round eyes over your thick brows, the bridge of your nose and the contours of your pale lips. You also have to learn how to treat the scars stitched through your skin as if wonderful creations and masterpieces. You also have to love the uneven curves of your body or even your toes. Love yourself when no one else does.

C. Smile a lot even you feel the positive vibe and aura inside you. Sometimes you just have to make someone feel better with that simple upward pull of your lips. Sometimes, you really have to be the instrument of happiness and joy. It is contagious after all.

D. Drink a lot of water. Your body will really thank you for that simple way of taking care of your God-given temple. And not that it is only good for your health, it can also help you save money since you will feel full or bloated. Bills of an adult is very different from being a teenager since aside from having expensive payables and taxes, there is also the thing that called saving. An adult must save for future purposes.

E. Sometimes, a blaring good music will help you kill all the monsters rampaging in your head and to shut the world down. There is really a time in adulthood where you you feel so low and the world is moving too fast or too slow that you cannot keep pace along with it. And you are starting to lose yourself and you just want to feel disconnected from it.

F. Your heart will break. No matter how hard you try to build barricades around it, someone out there always have tools to destroy it. And since you are crazy over your feelings, you will let your guard down without realizing that that person is not worthy at all and you will be left in a very catastrophic and devastated state.

G. You are going to lose people in your lives. Even friendship you think would last for a lifetime. Not because you are a bad person or what, but simply because they did something horrible to you that the only thing left is to walk away and remove them from the equation.

H. There really comes a time that you will feel such a loser and nothing is happening in your life despite everything. But you have to stop that right away since it will ruin you until you collapse and could no longer stand up again. You just have to believe in yourself no matter what.

I. People are very different from one another. Some are good. Some are not, obviously. But it should not be a reason for you to lose your faith in humanity.

J. You will feel that you just need an escape from everything since the things around you are very difficult to handle anymore. But you cannot since you know that you have to deal with them no matter what. You really have to since those things are tests for your patience and character.

K. Feelings and emotions will constantly falter. You easily get hurt. You tend to be sensitive over stupid and silly things you used to ignore when you were younger. You may wonder why you are suddenly being emotional over simple things. It is part of the process since everything on this stage is new to you.

L. Nobody will teach you how to deal with adulthood. You have to figure out it all by yourself. This is a thrilling, dangerous, exciting and exhausting stage that you have to conquer to reach the next tougher level. If you do not survive this, good luck Mario in saving your damsel in distress.

M. Intelligence is not sufficed to reach for your dream. It also takes courage. You have to be bold to take risks and go out of your comfort zone. You also have to have patience in waiting for the results. If it still did not fruit into something good, you should be patient enough to try again until you reach for it.

N. Education is absolutely important but having a college degree is not a guarantee that you are going to end up living a great life, rather it is simply an edge amongst others who are battling for that wonderful prize. It is up to you how are you going to use that beautiful priviledge given to you. Do not waste it. Tons of people out there wants to have education like yours.

O. Sometimes, you really have to speak out your thoughts and opinions for people to shut the fuck up and for them to realize that you are tired of them or their hideous attitudes.

P. You do not need to always look good in everyone’s eyes. You are a human being; allowed to commit mistakes but capable of learning; righteous to feeling something extreme. Everyday is not always a good day.

Q. Never compare yourself to others. The more you do, the more frustrated and exhausted you will be. The more you do, the more negative feelings you will attract. Stop comparing. And live your life.

R. Social media is a powerful instrument nowadays but you should not let this thing define your success, your life and most especially who you truly are. Do not be impressed by everything you see there. Not all you see there is true. If not some, most of them are deceit for the sake of wanting to look good in the eyes of everybody.

S. Life will never ever adjust itself for you. You must adjust yourself to deal with it.

Just a Random Journal Entry

As I was walking along the street towards my office with my headphones on, my attention was suddenly veered into the falling dried leaves across the other lane. It was such a beautiful sight for me. For a short time, they were suspended in mid-air glimmering in their golden brown glow and swaying in the soft beats of the wind. They looked like confetti for me until they slowly fell above the head of a man riding a bike and roof of a white Honda. And honestly, I truly appreciate that simple pleasure and beauty of an ordinary day that it brought my lips into an upward pull. There’s always a beauty in everything and everywhere, it’s only up to you to find and appreciate it. Just look for it and it will fill your heart with gladness.

Is it wrong to miss you again after everything that happened? I don’t know why the whole idea of you suddenly struck me again in this boring day of mine. Truth must be told, the stubborn part of myself still longs for you to come back. I will totally ignore those sorrows and miseries you’ve scarred in my heart. I will completely forget about them just for you to be with me once more. However, the cautious side of me knows what’s good for my health.

 

I felt so close to you last Saturday. I was in the same province as you are. I left a message to you. I don’t know if you received it or not since you didn’t respond, as usual. But at least I tried to reach out for you signifying that I still want you to be a part of my life no matter how foolish it may seem. I still think about you. I still think about those conversations we had. I still hope that you’d be back and you will start to undress the hidden truth behind you.

 

If in case you come across this writing, I just want you to know that I still want you back. And if you truly desire to be away from me for good, I just want you to know that all I want for you is your happiness and grace. Just keep in mind that you will always be a part of my life.

Truth must be told, I still think about you every day. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I no longer care about you or everything you do, I always come back to the reality that I am simply a pretender. I still want to know everything you do in your life. But of course, that wouldn’t happen anymore. You chose to end the communication between us at all without giving me a full clearance. Somehow, I hate you for that. But I no longer care about it. All I want now is for you to come back. It may sound ridiculously foolish to you or to anyone who knows what happened between us but I don’t mind. I still have feelings for you even I deny it to everyone in this world including myself.

 

I can’t bring myself listening to those songs which I know will make me remind of you since I am afraid that huge waves of sadness will crash against me once more after all those times of trying to eliminate it from my system. I can’t risk another goodbye to you if I swallowed my pride to drop a single message from you just to tell how my day has been like we used to. I can’t dare let go of those wonderful memories that keep on crippling me to move forward from everything that has been holding the euphoria I ever desire. And I can’t understand why. Maybe you’re just one of those few persons who can create a huge impact into my life given only a very short period of time in a way I could never explain.

 

I have no idea if I ever cross your mind in between your reflections about your day and fight against your monsters and ghosts. In case you wonder about my case, you do. You always do. Right now, I simply can’t wait for the day that I will no longer feign happiness; that my pen will no longer write about you; that you will be just somebody that I used to know.

Note to Self

            The truth is as you age, sadness and frustrations will be surrounding you most of the times. There will really come a point that you’d feel so low of yourself—that nothing is really happening in your life; you haven’t achieved anything big; your colleagues are having the times of their lives; you keep on losing friends making you wonder if it’s your fault or not; the dreams you built when you were younger aren’t still coming into reality; your heart keeps on breaking from time to time; your pocket seems to always run out of money in a way you can never explain; your expenses are much higher than your savings.

                But as you try to dig to the reason why those unnecessary thoughts flood your brain, two reasons will come up—comparison and overthinking. If you could only learn how to stop doing those two things and start paying attention to the simple things and pleasures in your life, you’d soon realize how blessed you are. You have no idea how much somebody out there is willing to be in your position since you have everything they ever desire. If you could only find out you have suffice than what you truly needed, needless to say, you are more than blessed.

                You are surrounded by negative feelings since you are rushing yourself and your life which shouldn’t be the case. You always desire that glorious and flamboyant things will happen within a blink of an eye. It is not. Just take one step at a time. Just closely pay attention to the wonderful things in your life no matter how petty they may seem in your opinion, you’d soon appreciate your life more. Take a deep breath. Start it today. Soon enough, you will emerge as a much happier and better person whose outlook towards life is more wonderful than ever.

Here’s to another eight years for me to move on from these miseries, sorrows and sufferings this stupid feeling of mine for you has brought. I am not kidding since I’ve been like this before. And I thought that that would be the last. I thought I have been badly scarred in the past that I started to get used to it. But I got it all wrong. Those pains and heartaches are mere preparation for a bigger devastation. And you can have the privilege for being the reason behind this madness raging inside me. I hate to admit but I fall in love again. And it’s harder than I intended to be.

I love you even I haven’t met you. How stupid of me to end up like this? It happened too fast without giving me any time to prepare for my upcoming battle with the melancholy. You already stirred my emotions nobody did. The thing between us is very different among everybody else; among the people of my past. There’s already a connection and attachment. Above all of them, you’re the only one who showed a slightest hint that there’s a possible chance for a beautiful ending; that I am somehow loved and cared.

I involved myself with this tricky business full of uncertainties. From the very beginning, I already know the high risk of being in this path—miserable, horrible, tormenting, sorrowful and painful. Yet I still engaged myself into it.  I felt those euphoric sensations with you that I yearned for so long. I felt the beautifully fleeting emotions they said when you are in love. And that’s all thanks to you. However, I never knew that the consequence would be as relentless as this. I thought I could easily manage it if in case it didn’t work out. But I got it all wrong again. As usual. And damn it. I detest this state of mine right now. I feel so helpless. I feel so vulnerable. I feel so weak.

The feelings I got from you made me feel more alive and wonderful; however, they also made me feel like I am a hollow man. Once happiness was gone, everything felt like hell. Once it’s removed, the amount of sorrows being thrown at me is tripled. Damn it. Was that the cost of loving you this big? Was that the way it’s supposed to be? I love you. Can’t I just simply have you and spend the rest of my life with you?

Is it wrong to long for happiness? Is it wrong to yearn for someone beautiful whom I believe can give the eternal happiness I truly deserve after depriving myself from the joy I should already have? I just want you. I need you in my life. If it’s going to end in a tragic way, I am afraid that I cannot make it this time. I am afraid of my destruction. I am a catastrophe every time I feel something in my heart. And I truly don’t want that to happen. It could be a helpless and desperate case, but I don’t care. I need you. I love you. Please don’t break my heart this time. Please.

I don’t know what moving on is if it ends up in a way I never wanted it to be. I will surely have a hard time in trusting my heart with someone new if ever. They are not you. You’re the only one I want and desire. If it doesn’t end up the way I wanted it to be, absolutely, I will compare everyone with you and I will never ever find my partner for you are one-of-a-kind and you are one-in-a-million. All I ever wanted is within you.

 

 

The sun rose in the east once more forcing me to wear my ‘I’m okay’ and ‘I can make it’ masks in order to make the persons around me believe that I am perfectly fine. Fake smiles, forced laughter and pretentious conversations comprised my days. It feels like one of those ‘I just want to get over with this day’ moments. But it appears that sun down is a dreadful idea. It is the perfect time for those monsters to enter and swallow my entirety completely. Nights seem to be a little longer lately for all the hideous thoughts keep on penetrating my mind—I’ve been losing sleep since I count the scars in my heart all throughout. Through this, I allowed them to develop fangs that will soon gnaw me that I can literally feel them in my chest.

Maybe I am really a self-inflicting individual who wants to kill myself slowly. I could easily let it all go. I could easily accept the fact that it isn’t going to happen but the stubborn side of me always cling into that thin hope that maybe this can ensue for me to be filled with so much euphoria I’ve been yearning ever since. But what makes this thing harder is that the only cure for this is the same that keeps on poisoning me. How would I be fine from that terrible state if that’s the case?