Lately, I’m going through this stupid battle between myself and the raging inexplicable emotions inside it. For some strange reason, I always feel so down and upset towards everything. I have no idea if it’s only me or the things around me are truly frustrating. I’ve been going on this cycle for quite some time and I still didn’t find the key to end all of this. I always feel that I am not good enough and all of my efforts to be in the place I really want to be in aren’t enough to take me there. And I cannot understand this. Honestly, I feel so lost. I really don’t know what to do in my life. Is the early stage of adulthood supposed to be this way? I don’t have any idea if this is the right path or what. I still feel that nothing is really happening in my life. They say this stage is supposed to be filled with fun but how come that it isn’t the case for me? I wish that there’s a manual teaching and giving tips on how to really deal with this. This is a crazy stage and it keeps on getting crazier with each passing day. Great.
You have played a huge role in my daily life since the thing about us started. And now that it’s already goodbye without actually saying that dreadful word, a huge dose of melancholy was injected in my veins once more to flow in my bloodstream and make me feel high and dry. It hurts that I can really feel the pains pounding in my chest. But I have to deal with it. I have to go on in my life as much as I hated living without you in it. I have to figure out how to pick up my broken pieces. I have to realize that there’s more to life than it. I have to figure out my way back from being lost. I have to find my old self and build a better version of myself.
I will surely miss you; the sound of your voice over the phone when you tell those wonderful stories; the laughter escaping from your mouth when you utter hilarious things; the hums and sighs you make between the silence of the nights and invisible thin line bridging us; everything about you.
You know what? As I write these crappy words, there is an unwanted in my chest for it feels like I am really bidding goodbye to you. And I hate that. I terribly hate that. I still can’t get over the fact that I am no longer have you in my life. Damn it. It feels like there’s a vile at the tip of my tongue every time I try to speak of this aloud. And it doesn’t taste good, believe me.
The memories you have given me are so incomparable among others. And surely, those things keep me chained with you. I can’t easily let them go. I am afraid that I couldn’t find someone out there like you; someone beautiful whom I can talk everything about the universe and indeed a potential lover. Damn it. Can’t I still save the thing between us? Damn it. I just hate this. I really hate. But life and love goes this way, right? I have to let things go.
Maybe sooner or later, the ink of my pen would stop crying my heart out because of you; the lump in my throat every time your name came up would soon be gone; the tears welling up in my eyes would soon be dried. Maybe sooner or later, I could easily accept the fact that I cannot really have someone you in my life; that you will always be my almost.
Here’s to another eight years for me to move on from these miseries, sorrows and sufferings this stupid feeling of mine for you has brought. I am not kidding since I’ve been like this before. And I thought that that would be the last. I thought I have been badly scarred in the past that I started to get used to it. But I got it all wrong. Those pains and heartaches are mere preparation for a bigger devastation. And you can have the privilege for being the reason behind this madness raging inside me. I hate to admit but I fall in love again. And it’s harder than I intended to be.
I love you even I haven’t met you. How stupid of me to end up like this? It happened too fast without giving me any time to prepare for my upcoming battle with the melancholy. You already stirred my emotions nobody did. The thing between us is very different among everybody else; among the people of my past. There’s already a connection and attachment. Above all of them, you’re the only one who showed a slightest hint that there’s a possible chance for a beautiful ending; that I am somehow loved and cared.
I involved myself with this tricky business full of uncertainties. From the very beginning, I already know the high risk of being in this path—miserable, horrible, tormenting, sorrowful and painful. Yet I still engaged myself into it. I felt those euphoric sensations with you that I yearned for so long. I felt the beautifully fleeting emotions they said when you are in love. And that’s all thanks to you. However, I never knew that the consequence would be as relentless as this. I thought I could easily manage it if in case it didn’t work out. But I got it all wrong again. As usual. And damn it. I detest this state of mine right now. I feel so helpless. I feel so vulnerable. I feel so weak.
The feelings I got from you made me feel more alive and wonderful; however, they also made me feel like I am a hollow man. Once happiness was gone, everything felt like hell. Once it’s removed, the amount of sorrows being thrown at me is tripled. Damn it. Was that the cost of loving you this big? Was that the way it’s supposed to be? I love you. Can’t I just simply have you and spend the rest of my life with you?
Is it wrong to long for happiness? Is it wrong to yearn for someone beautiful whom I believe can give the eternal happiness I truly deserve after depriving myself from the joy I should already have? I just want you. I need you in my life. If it’s going to end in a tragic way, I am afraid that I cannot make it this time. I am afraid of my destruction. I am a catastrophe every time I feel something in my heart. And I truly don’t want that to happen. It could be a helpless and desperate case, but I don’t care. I need you. I love you. Please don’t break my heart this time. Please.
I don’t know what moving on is if it ends up in a way I never wanted it to be. I will surely have a hard time in trusting my heart with someone new if ever. They are not you. You’re the only one I want and desire. If it doesn’t end up the way I wanted it to be, absolutely, I will compare everyone with you and I will never ever find my partner for you are one-of-a-kind and you are one-in-a-million. All I ever wanted is within you.
During the day, he tries his best to make himself busy for those fiendish creatures not to penetrate his entirety. He keeps on reminding himself that this day is his day; that it’s going to be another wonderful day; that it is going to be his best day; that it is going to be the day when everything will be alright. However, no matter how much he indulges himself, those horrible beings seem to know their passages towards his soul. It appears that they have their own keys into his body allowing him to lose all the vibrancy and euphoria he’s trying hard to maintain for it’s never easy to find joy.
And monsters are smart. They know the perfect time to make him feel worse than before. And it is when during the silence of the night when the world is all asleep and dreaming for a better day tomorrow; when his breathing pattern is the only sound that breaks the stillness of the room. Silent nights are supposed to be a wonderful idea for it is the perfect time to give it all a rest. But it wasn’t the case. He keeps on fighting the monster in his head when night already kicks in. He is weaker compare to them; they can easily take him down as if he has no strength at all. As soon as they touch his bare flesh, the atrocious sensation started to crawl in him. He hates it. Hate is perhaps an understatement. He despises it. He really does. And he’s been trying his best to take them on his own. He wants an end for all the fuss in his head. He desires to stop the battle between him and the monsters.
The sad truth is that he cannot think of any solution but one for they are hideously strong. And the only thing he can come up with is to give in.
An open letter for my 13-year old self.
Ten years from now, you will be 23. You will wonder how it feels like to be like 23. Let me tell you that you made it somehow but it wasn’t the way you dreamt it to be. It was a tough road full of pit holes that almost made you think to stop your journey.
You said to yourself and even to some of your friends that you’re already settled; you are happily married with four kids; you have a house and lot and a car; you are already a published writer and a restaurant owner.
Kid, as much as I hate to be the bearer of the bad news, nothing happened. Those childish fantasies of yours are still not yet happening. And they changed over the course of your life. You do not want to get married at all; if given a chance, you only want to have a son but still hesitant of it; you still don’t have your own house and lot and car but so far you’re renting an apartment; you’ve written too many but none was published. Don’t you realize, life doesn’t go that way?
But I am not saying that within ten years nothing happened in your life. You finished your bachelor’s degree with flying colors somehow. And that’s great news, right? Since not everybody was given the beautiful chance to finish their studies. You are working in a huge company you’ve never heard about before. And somehow, you’re having a career. Isn’t it beautiful?
However, kid, you must brace yourself. You must strengthen your heart. You must guard your emotions. You must keep your confidence with you. You are not the only human being walking in this earth. You are only a speck of dust who shares this earth with billion people. It isn’t easy, I assure you. Believe me if I tell you that it isn’t easy. You will meet tons of people who will play significant and vital roles in your life. They will mock, judge, degrade and push you to your limits. Prejudices will always be thrown at you most especially when you keep on shining. They are just bunch of insecure and bull shit people who keep on exploiting your weakness since they believe that it will ruin you. But they got it all wrong. Since your weakness is your biggest strength. Keep that in mind. But don’t blame them or anything. People are people. They may be narrow-minded and immature. It is human nature to act that way.
Hey, don’t be a chicken just simply because of those stupid people. Don’t you worry, not people are bad; not people are like them. There’s still good people out there. And you are so blessed. Believe me. You truly are. You may not realize it but sooner or later, you will be struck with the realization that you must be thoroughly grateful with our creator for giving you those kinds of persons. Treat them as gem, will you? Your family is your biggest source of inspiration. You may not get along well but sooner or later everything will change and you will love that change. Your crazy cousins are still there! Believe me, they are the best cousins in the world. The closeness you built during your childhood remained intact. And your friends, kid, you have the best bunch of friends. They are priceless like your family. You never actually thought that those people are going to be your friends ten years after. And you are so blessed to have a best friend, who understands you from head to toe; who doesn’t need any detailed narration to understand the messy and complex your situations are. You treasure her so much. And you won’t believe that she’s going to be your best friend. You hate her so much before. And you promise to one another that you will be best friends until your last breath. Friendship is magical believe me. She will stay by your side during the darkest times of your life. And she still will. But one of the saddest things about friendship is some friendship are not meant to last. Some friends are temporary. People really come and go but you have to deal with it even it hurts.
You do not usually fall in love but when you do, you terribly fall hard to the extend that you no longer know how to love yourself. And that’s why I keep on telling you that you should guard your emotions. You always allow your feelings to control you. You always let your sensations to drown you. It isn’t good, don’t you realize? They consume you. They devour you. And that isn’t a good thing.
And as young as you are, can you please stop over thinking? Don’t you dare allow frustrations get in your head? You’re still young. There’s so much about life that you just don’t see since you keep on focusing at the bigger picture. But as soon as you closely look at your life, you will realize that you have too much than you actually need.
Do remember to stay healthy since it is a must. Your health will be in pretty bad shape ten years after. And you just have to accept your fate. That’s how life goes. But before that happens, you have to enjoy your life to the full(est). You only have one life and treasure it, alright?
My heart carries too much heaviness in it after I laid my eyes open.The toll of missing you this way already crawled in my entirety. It’s only been almost two days of not talking to you but it felt like forever. Maybe I am really clingy and needy of you but I really can’t help myself for feeling as stupid as this. As much as I wanted to tell you how much I missed you, I just can’t since it may only lead to your annoyance. I don’t know. I just don’t want that to happen for it may soon lead to detachment.
After I ate my breakfast in a very lonesome manner, I took a bath with high hopes that I can remove this sadness engulfing me. However, the water only did splash away the germs in my bare skin from the previous day; my terrible feelings still remained. I tried to make this day as happy as possible since tomorrow is another long week for me yet no matter what I do, your thoughts still bother me; if you will ever come back. My thoughts are pathetic and hilarious, I know, and to tell you the truth, I am tired of them, of my emotions and of myself. If I could only rip my heart out to cleanse it to be brand new and to forget all the emotions I have for you, I would do it.
This longing of me for you is akin to my longing for my old self. If ever you can read this, I just want to tell that I missed you so much. And I am wondering if I ever crossed your mind even I do not text your or what. Will you soon come back? Or this no-talking-session of ours will lead to your detachment from me? If so, I must prepare myself for the upcoming devastation.
Each day, as I lay my eyes open, I have this growing fear inside me that always consume my entirety like a parasite. I try killing the parasite but it grew larger because I allowed it to. I cannot help myself to feel afraid to wake up one day with the realization that everything between us is all over; that you decided to stop whatever you’re doing with me right now. I am in a vehement awe that sooner or later I will neither receive any message from you nor phone calls.
I have to admit that you already turned my world upside down for a very short period of time. It seems like I no longer know myself anymore—the feelings I get from you already took control over me. It also feels that I am already losing my mind. I don’t know. Are you a magician? I’m already trapped in yourself.
Or maybe it is just me. I always overthink and get paranoid over things between us that I always give horrible meanings even you simply meant them as jokes. I am as well territorial and clingy. If that’s the case, I already want to apologize for being too immature. I am deeply sorry.
Nothing comes easy, right? But I do hope that if this beautifully tormenting thing between us comes to its end, it will be the ending I truly desire ever since it started.