Here’s to another eight years for me to move on from these miseries, sorrows and sufferings this stupid feeling of mine for you has brought. I am not kidding since I’ve been like this before. And I thought that that would be the last. I thought I have been badly scarred in the past that I started to get used to it. But I got it all wrong. Those pains and heartaches are mere preparation for a bigger devastation. And you can have the privilege for being the reason behind this madness raging inside me. I hate to admit but I fall in love again. And it’s harder than I intended to be.

I love you even I haven’t met you. How stupid of me to end up like this? It happened too fast without giving me any time to prepare for my upcoming battle with the melancholy. You already stirred my emotions nobody did. The thing between us is very different among everybody else; among the people of my past. There’s already a connection and attachment. Above all of them, you’re the only one who showed a slightest hint that there’s a possible chance for a beautiful ending; that I am somehow loved and cared.

I involved myself with this tricky business full of uncertainties. From the very beginning, I already know the high risk of being in this path—miserable, horrible, tormenting, sorrowful and painful. Yet I still engaged myself into it.  I felt those euphoric sensations with you that I yearned for so long. I felt the beautifully fleeting emotions they said when you are in love. And that’s all thanks to you. However, I never knew that the consequence would be as relentless as this. I thought I could easily manage it if in case it didn’t work out. But I got it all wrong again. As usual. And damn it. I detest this state of mine right now. I feel so helpless. I feel so vulnerable. I feel so weak.

The feelings I got from you made me feel more alive and wonderful; however, they also made me feel like I am a hollow man. Once happiness was gone, everything felt like hell. Once it’s removed, the amount of sorrows being thrown at me is tripled. Damn it. Was that the cost of loving you this big? Was that the way it’s supposed to be? I love you. Can’t I just simply have you and spend the rest of my life with you?

Is it wrong to long for happiness? Is it wrong to yearn for someone beautiful whom I believe can give the eternal happiness I truly deserve after depriving myself from the joy I should already have? I just want you. I need you in my life. If it’s going to end in a tragic way, I am afraid that I cannot make it this time. I am afraid of my destruction. I am a catastrophe every time I feel something in my heart. And I truly don’t want that to happen. It could be a helpless and desperate case, but I don’t care. I need you. I love you. Please don’t break my heart this time. Please.

I don’t know what moving on is if it ends up in a way I never wanted it to be. I will surely have a hard time in trusting my heart with someone new if ever. They are not you. You’re the only one I want and desire. If it doesn’t end up the way I wanted it to be, absolutely, I will compare everyone with you and I will never ever find my partner for you are one-of-a-kind and you are one-in-a-million. All I ever wanted is within you.

 

 

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