When the Idea of Missing you Hit me

I really missed talking to you where our stories to share stumbled upon one another. I really missed those days when we used to sleep at midnight just to simply converse about random things about our childhood, perspectives and beliefs and lives. The conversations we made still taunt me. I know those days were already over but there really comes a point in my life, when silence swallows me and all of the sudden, the thought of you would make me crazy and would bring a sudden thump in my chest. Honestly, I still want to talk with you. I missed those days. I really do. But I am pretty sure that they won’t ever happen again. It’s sad but true. And what sucks more is the bitter truth that I won’t be able to meet someone like you out there since you’re one-of-a-kind and the whole idea of you is beautiful for me. You’re incomparable and unique in your brilliant way. You are really one of the fewest persons I can talk with anything under the universe

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Is it wrong to miss you again after everything that happened? I don’t know why the whole idea of you suddenly struck me again in this boring day of mine. Truth must be told, the stubborn part of myself still longs for you to come back. I will totally ignore those sorrows and miseries you’ve scarred in my heart. I will completely forget about them just for you to be with me once more. However, the cautious side of me knows what’s good for my health.

 

I felt so close to you last Saturday. I was in the same province as you are. I left a message to you. I don’t know if you received it or not since you didn’t respond, as usual. But at least I tried to reach out for you signifying that I still want you to be a part of my life no matter how foolish it may seem. I still think about you. I still think about those conversations we had. I still hope that you’d be back and you will start to undress the hidden truth behind you.

 

If in case you come across this writing, I just want you to know that I still want you back. And if you truly desire to be away from me for good, I just want you to know that all I want for you is your happiness and grace. Just keep in mind that you will always be a part of my life.

Truth must be told, I still think about you every day. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I no longer care about you or everything you do, I always come back to the reality that I am simply a pretender. I still want to know everything you do in your life. But of course, that wouldn’t happen anymore. You chose to end the communication between us at all without giving me a full clearance. Somehow, I hate you for that. But I no longer care about it. All I want now is for you to come back. It may sound ridiculously foolish to you or to anyone who knows what happened between us but I don’t mind. I still have feelings for you even I deny it to everyone in this world including myself.

 

I can’t bring myself listening to those songs which I know will make me remind of you since I am afraid that huge waves of sadness will crash against me once more after all those times of trying to eliminate it from my system. I can’t risk another goodbye to you if I swallowed my pride to drop a single message from you just to tell how my day has been like we used to. I can’t dare let go of those wonderful memories that keep on crippling me to move forward from everything that has been holding the euphoria I ever desire. And I can’t understand why. Maybe you’re just one of those few persons who can create a huge impact into my life given only a very short period of time in a way I could never explain.

 

I have no idea if I ever cross your mind in between your reflections about your day and fight against your monsters and ghosts. In case you wonder about my case, you do. You always do. Right now, I simply can’t wait for the day that I will no longer feign happiness; that my pen will no longer write about you; that you will be just somebody that I used to know.

You Will Always Be My Almost

You have played a huge role in my daily life since the thing about us started. And now that it’s already goodbye without actually saying that dreadful word, a huge dose of melancholy was injected in my veins once more to flow in my bloodstream and make me feel high and dry. It hurts that I can really feel the pains pounding in my chest. But I have to deal with it. I have to go on in my life as much as I hated living without you in it. I have to figure out how to pick up my broken pieces. I have to realize that there’s more to life than it. I have to figure out my way back from being lost. I have to find my old self and build a better version of myself.

 

I will surely miss you; the sound of your voice over the phone when you tell those wonderful stories; the laughter escaping from your mouth when you utter hilarious things; the hums and sighs you make between the silence of the nights and invisible thin line bridging us; everything about you.

 

You know what? As I write these crappy words, there is an unwanted in my chest for it feels like I am really bidding goodbye to you. And I hate that. I terribly hate that. I still can’t get over the fact that I am no longer have you in my life. Damn it. It feels like there’s a vile at the tip of my tongue every time I try to speak of this aloud. And it doesn’t taste good, believe me.

 

The memories you have given me are so incomparable among others. And surely, those things keep me chained with you. I can’t easily let them go. I am afraid that I couldn’t find someone out there like you; someone beautiful whom I can talk everything about the universe and indeed a potential lover. Damn it. Can’t I still save the thing between us? Damn it. I just hate this. I really hate. But life and love goes this way, right? I have to let things go.

 

Maybe sooner or later, the ink of my pen would stop crying my heart out because of you; the lump in my throat every time your name came up would soon be gone; the tears welling up in my eyes would soon be dried. Maybe sooner or later, I could easily accept the fact that I cannot really have someone you in my life; that you will always be my almost.

Here’s to another eight years for me to move on from these miseries, sorrows and sufferings this stupid feeling of mine for you has brought. I am not kidding since I’ve been like this before. And I thought that that would be the last. I thought I have been badly scarred in the past that I started to get used to it. But I got it all wrong. Those pains and heartaches are mere preparation for a bigger devastation. And you can have the privilege for being the reason behind this madness raging inside me. I hate to admit but I fall in love again. And it’s harder than I intended to be.

I love you even I haven’t met you. How stupid of me to end up like this? It happened too fast without giving me any time to prepare for my upcoming battle with the melancholy. You already stirred my emotions nobody did. The thing between us is very different among everybody else; among the people of my past. There’s already a connection and attachment. Above all of them, you’re the only one who showed a slightest hint that there’s a possible chance for a beautiful ending; that I am somehow loved and cared.

I involved myself with this tricky business full of uncertainties. From the very beginning, I already know the high risk of being in this path—miserable, horrible, tormenting, sorrowful and painful. Yet I still engaged myself into it.  I felt those euphoric sensations with you that I yearned for so long. I felt the beautifully fleeting emotions they said when you are in love. And that’s all thanks to you. However, I never knew that the consequence would be as relentless as this. I thought I could easily manage it if in case it didn’t work out. But I got it all wrong again. As usual. And damn it. I detest this state of mine right now. I feel so helpless. I feel so vulnerable. I feel so weak.

The feelings I got from you made me feel more alive and wonderful; however, they also made me feel like I am a hollow man. Once happiness was gone, everything felt like hell. Once it’s removed, the amount of sorrows being thrown at me is tripled. Damn it. Was that the cost of loving you this big? Was that the way it’s supposed to be? I love you. Can’t I just simply have you and spend the rest of my life with you?

Is it wrong to long for happiness? Is it wrong to yearn for someone beautiful whom I believe can give the eternal happiness I truly deserve after depriving myself from the joy I should already have? I just want you. I need you in my life. If it’s going to end in a tragic way, I am afraid that I cannot make it this time. I am afraid of my destruction. I am a catastrophe every time I feel something in my heart. And I truly don’t want that to happen. It could be a helpless and desperate case, but I don’t care. I need you. I love you. Please don’t break my heart this time. Please.

I don’t know what moving on is if it ends up in a way I never wanted it to be. I will surely have a hard time in trusting my heart with someone new if ever. They are not you. You’re the only one I want and desire. If it doesn’t end up the way I wanted it to be, absolutely, I will compare everyone with you and I will never ever find my partner for you are one-of-a-kind and you are one-in-a-million. All I ever wanted is within you.

 

 

The sun rose in the east once more forcing me to wear my ‘I’m okay’ and ‘I can make it’ masks in order to make the persons around me believe that I am perfectly fine. Fake smiles, forced laughter and pretentious conversations comprised my days. It feels like one of those ‘I just want to get over with this day’ moments. But it appears that sun down is a dreadful idea. It is the perfect time for those monsters to enter and swallow my entirety completely. Nights seem to be a little longer lately for all the hideous thoughts keep on penetrating my mind—I’ve been losing sleep since I count the scars in my heart all throughout. Through this, I allowed them to develop fangs that will soon gnaw me that I can literally feel them in my chest.

Maybe I am really a self-inflicting individual who wants to kill myself slowly. I could easily let it all go. I could easily accept the fact that it isn’t going to happen but the stubborn side of me always cling into that thin hope that maybe this can ensue for me to be filled with so much euphoria I’ve been yearning ever since. But what makes this thing harder is that the only cure for this is the same that keeps on poisoning me. How would I be fine from that terrible state if that’s the case?

Stay with Me

Stay with me please, will you?
My walls, in red, were already painted
Might as well in grey and blue if suggested
New colors for this are really needed
But I keep on ending with crimson red

Stay with me please, will you?
I’m exhausted of people walking away–
I ran after them but they never stayed
I went back from where it all started–
feeling shattered and heavy-hearted

Stay with me please, will you?
Time is infinite, distance is limitless;
Nothing compared with my new found happiness–
Deep talks take me to brand new places
Yet fear crept for being shattered pieces

Stay with me please, will you?
Do not watch me falling and breaking
This is madness from the very beginning
But I risked for the tragedy of my feelings
Love me and I will forget about everything

Stay with me please, will you?
This is too much to contain for me
I feel more alive of myself yet dangerously
However, fear were stitched, I tell you,honesty
I just want you to stay, right beside me