There really is this kind of night when I would realize that I am lonely as fuck. All my frustrations, broken dreams, rejections and sorrows seem to agree that they would be doing their best all at the same time to make me as horrible as possible– no matter what I do, I couldn’t strangle myself out of them. And on night like this, happiness becomes elusive. You cannot find it anywhere and everywhere. Why is that? Did happiness make a deal with sadness?
I just realized, with each passing day, as I age, loneliness is easier to find than joy and delight. You would strive hard to have happiness but when it comes to loneliness? It would be effortless. It would come to you for free. It would knock onto your door without any sign and warning. Is growing up really supposed to be this way? Is it really supposed to be filled with negative emotions I’ve been trying hard to eradicate out of my system? Or is it really me? Is it really me who made it all hard from the very beginning? Or is it really me who keeps on pushing myself to my limit which would only lead to huge blows and assaults of frustrations when in fact, I could take some rest? I don’t know.
I noticed that my writings lately usually go around the whole idea of miseries, frustrations, sadness and longing. Would it still change? Would I still go back to my old writing style that it was filled with joy, hopes and positivity about life and whatever lies with it? I don’t know. Lately, I am simply lost. I am simply going with the flow of my boring and repetitious life without doing anything to turn it or to go against it. I simply don’t have any idea what to do in my life anymore.
Sadness is the root of all of this. If I could only be filled with joy and vibrancy tantamount to the happiness of kids, this could be easier. But I couldn’t as much as I wanted to; as hard as I made a pact with myself that I would start changing my outlook in life– it must be leading towards appreciation and understanding positivity and joy.
With this, I will end this stupid and senseless writing with a huge hope that everything will be alright eventually.