The problem with me is I cannot hate you; no matter how many pains you hurled at me; no matter how badly you hurt me either intentionally or not, I always go back to that one thing—that I love you so. I always try to look for reasons why I should hate you, why I should let you go but at the end of the day, I couldn’t because I need you. With each passing day, I need you more than ever. And this kind of feeling for someone like you is dangerous for someone like me—you are both my cure and my poison. So how do you expect me to live with that?

 

What’s with you? I am willing to be like a fool. I am willing to swallow my pride which is very important with me. I’m willing to look cheap and desperate. Just for me to be with you. Just for that one thing I badly need from you. I know I am insane because of this too much love but I no longer care. I just want you and only you.

 

Yet, I know you don’t even give a slightest damn about me, about my feelings, about my endless show of concern and affection for you. Maybe I am not really worth it. Maybe you truly enjoy fooling around. Maybe you absolutely enjoy playing games with me. Maybe you love the idea of someone like me is head over heels to someone like you. And I don’t know.

 

Right now, my head is filled with nothing but tangled thoughts. Also, I could no longer separate the truth from the lies. I no longer know the real and pure things. And to make it all more fuck up? I no longer care as long as you’re there.

There are just these days that I simply don’t want to speak or talk to anybody. It doesn’t mean that I am pushing them away in my life. I just need these kinds of moments. I need to be alone with all of these raging thoughts in my head. I need to find solitude. I need to stay away from everyone even to those persons who mean the most to me. I just need some space and air for myself. I need some distance. During this time, talking tends to be tiring for me; I simply want to stay in one corner and think whatever the hell is going on in my life. Some may never understand me or this certain behavior of mine. But I cannot blame them since I even don’t understand myself why I need this. Maybe this is who I really am. Maybe, I truly find inner happiness, peace and myself when I am alone. But one thing is for sure, I will come back and talk to the people around me sooner or later. Maybe I am simply too lost and broken lately to start acting like this once more.

Call me stupid. I tried giving you a call earlier this morning since I’ve heard in the news that your city was hit by the earthquake. I wan to make sure that you’re still doing fine despite the tragedy. But unfortunately, both of your numbers could no longer be reached. I tried several times on different times today but I still got the same old tragic result. I felt sad since those numbers are precious to me. They are my connections to you. Most of our wonderful memories happened through them. So what to do now? I’ve totally lost you. It just a proof that you’re no longer coming back. You didn’t even inform me. Are you already out of the country? If so, great. I would no longer hear from you. Just great.

In case you can read this, how are you? I hope you’re doing fine. Honestly, the reason why I don’t change my numbers is the truth that I was somehow hoping that you’d be back. We’re not friends in any social media account so how can I reach you if I lost your number? If you can read this, I just want you to know that I missed you badly. I truly missed talking to you. I missed those late night conversations. I missed the way my phone rings any time of the day since you’re calling me up. I missed you, would you still come back?

Yeah, you’re one of the monsters in my past that keep on taunting me any time of the day. Great, right?

If you only have a way to figure out how much I missed talking to you, what would you do? To tell you honestly, I’ve been battling all the temptations inside me to drop a message in your inbox to tell all the things I wanted to say, most especially the fact that I truly and deeply missed conversing with you. You’re such a great and incredible conversationalist that I would never get tired of talking. And maybe that’s one of the million reasons why my heart started to sway in a crazy beat for you.

Yes, I missed you but I couldn’t tell it to you. I must suppress every raging emotion inside me. If I do drop a message to you, all of my closed wounds would be re-opened. And all of the long buried pains would be awoken. I don’t want that to happen. I’ve had had enough of the sorrows and miseries my feelings for you brought me. But still, I missed you. And this stupid longing of me for you allow me to feel as lonely as possible. Damn it. This is one of the thousand reasons why having feelings for someone who won’t ever see my worth is at the bottom part of my list.

I missed you. I missed the sound of your voice. I just want to see the light  and colors in your eyes when you talk. I want to see your smile. I want to be with you. But I couldn’t. And I know, I wouldn’t for the rest of my life.

There really is this kind of night when I would realize that I am lonely as fuck. All my frustrations, broken dreams, rejections and sorrows seem to agree that they would be doing their best all at the same time to make me as horrible as possible– no matter what I do, I couldn’t strangle myself out of them. And on night like this, happiness becomes elusive. You cannot find it anywhere and everywhere. Why is that? Did happiness make a deal with sadness?

I just realized, with each passing day, as I age, loneliness is easier to find than joy and delight. You would strive hard to have happiness but when it comes to loneliness? It would be effortless. It would come to you for free. It would knock onto your door without any sign and warning. Is growing up really supposed to be this way? Is it really supposed to be filled with negative emotions I’ve been trying hard to eradicate out of my system? Or is it really me? Is it really me who made it all hard from the very beginning? Or is it really me who keeps on pushing myself to my limit which would only lead to huge blows and assaults of frustrations when in fact, I could take some rest? I don’t know.

I noticed that my writings lately usually go around the whole idea of miseries, frustrations, sadness and longing. Would it still change? Would I still go back to my old writing style that it was filled with joy, hopes and positivity about life and whatever lies with it? I don’t know. Lately, I am simply lost. I am simply going with the flow of my boring and repetitious life without doing anything to turn it or to go against it. I simply don’t have any idea what to do in my life anymore.

Sadness is the root of all of this. If I could only be filled with joy and vibrancy tantamount to the happiness of kids, this could be easier. But I couldn’t as much as I wanted to; as hard as I made a pact with myself that I would start changing my outlook in life– it must be leading towards appreciation and understanding positivity and joy.

With this, I will end this stupid and senseless writing with a huge hope that everything will be alright eventually.

Note to Everybody about Sadness

As we age, life keeps on getting harder and tougher. Our emotions falter from time to time. Most of the times we feel something we couldn’t define. Usually, we feel a thing we’ve never felt before. And what’s worse than that, as we grow up, it’s mostly negative feelings. But we have to remember something. There’s more to life than frustrations, heartaches, sorrows and sadness. For us to be more human and to feel more alive, we have to suffer those unwanted emotions, however, we must never forget that we should never drown ourselves in them. Rather, we must oblige ourselves to seek positive thoughts, happiness and joy surrounding us. I understand that looking for those things is not easy when negative emotions were already too much to take but you have to try. We have to try. We really have to. It’s for our own good. Little by little, we have to attempt finding good things around us. We can find something if we only have a little patience—it may not be as big as the other, but at least we find it, right? Soon enough, our outlook towards life will be more vibrant and better.

 

Sadness will never be out of the way. It’s part of the process whether we like it or not. Its presence in our lives always mean something—it always present itself for us to learn something or to appreciate the thing we usually take for granted. It will never fail to figure out the hidden passages towards your entirety to fulfill its mission of destroying you. But we’re all a changed person. We have a new way on how to throw it away without hesitation; we already find a way to leave it all behind; we finally find a way not to dwell in it and be the best version of ourselves.

Lately, I’m going through this stupid battle between myself and the raging inexplicable emotions inside it. For some strange reason, I always feel so down and upset towards everything. I have no idea if it’s only me or the things around me are truly frustrating. I’ve been going on this cycle for quite some time and I still didn’t find the key to end all of this. I always feel that I am not good enough and all of my efforts to be in the place I really want to be in aren’t enough to take me there. And I cannot understand this. Honestly, I feel so lost. I really don’t know what to do in my life. Is the early stage of adulthood supposed to be this way? I don’t have any idea if this is the right path or what. I still feel that nothing is really happening in my life. They say this stage is supposed to be filled with fun but how come that it isn’t the case for me? I wish that there’s a manual teaching and giving tips on how to really deal with this. This is a crazy stage and it keeps on getting crazier with each passing day. Great.

When the Idea of Missing you Hit me

I really missed talking to you where our stories to share stumbled upon one another. I really missed those days when we used to sleep at midnight just to simply converse about random things about our childhood, perspectives and beliefs and lives. The conversations we made still taunt me. I know those days were already over but there really comes a point in my life, when silence swallows me and all of the sudden, the thought of you would make me crazy and would bring a sudden thump in my chest. Honestly, I still want to talk with you. I missed those days. I really do. But I am pretty sure that they won’t ever happen again. It’s sad but true. And what sucks more is the bitter truth that I won’t be able to meet someone like you out there since you’re one-of-a-kind and the whole idea of you is beautiful for me. You’re incomparable and unique in your brilliant way. You are really one of the fewest persons I can talk with anything under the universe

Nineteen Things I Learned as I Deal with Adulthood

A. Life is one big, complex and complicated mess. It does not always go according to plan. It always finds its absurd reason to ruin every single plan you made for yourself in your head. The timeline you created when you were little? As much as I hated to be the bearer of a horrible news, it does not usually happen for most people. Those which did, well, they are great and lucky. Chances are indeed in their favors.

B. You really have to embrace your imperfections because nobody will ever do it for you except for you and yourself. You have to love the frizziness of your curly hair, the big bags under your round eyes over your thick brows, the bridge of your nose and the contours of your pale lips. You also have to learn how to treat the scars stitched through your skin as if wonderful creations and masterpieces. You also have to love the uneven curves of your body or even your toes. Love yourself when no one else does.

C. Smile a lot even you feel the positive vibe and aura inside you. Sometimes you just have to make someone feel better with that simple upward pull of your lips. Sometimes, you really have to be the instrument of happiness and joy. It is contagious after all.

D. Drink a lot of water. Your body will really thank you for that simple way of taking care of your God-given temple. And not that it is only good for your health, it can also help you save money since you will feel full or bloated. Bills of an adult is very different from being a teenager since aside from having expensive payables and taxes, there is also the thing that called saving. An adult must save for future purposes.

E. Sometimes, a blaring good music will help you kill all the monsters rampaging in your head and to shut the world down. There is really a time in adulthood where you you feel so low and the world is moving too fast or too slow that you cannot keep pace along with it. And you are starting to lose yourself and you just want to feel disconnected from it.

F. Your heart will break. No matter how hard you try to build barricades around it, someone out there always have tools to destroy it. And since you are crazy over your feelings, you will let your guard down without realizing that that person is not worthy at all and you will be left in a very catastrophic and devastated state.

G. You are going to lose people in your lives. Even friendship you think would last for a lifetime. Not because you are a bad person or what, but simply because they did something horrible to you that the only thing left is to walk away and remove them from the equation.

H. There really comes a time that you will feel such a loser and nothing is happening in your life despite everything. But you have to stop that right away since it will ruin you until you collapse and could no longer stand up again. You just have to believe in yourself no matter what.

I. People are very different from one another. Some are good. Some are not, obviously. But it should not be a reason for you to lose your faith in humanity.

J. You will feel that you just need an escape from everything since the things around you are very difficult to handle anymore. But you cannot since you know that you have to deal with them no matter what. You really have to since those things are tests for your patience and character.

K. Feelings and emotions will constantly falter. You easily get hurt. You tend to be sensitive over stupid and silly things you used to ignore when you were younger. You may wonder why you are suddenly being emotional over simple things. It is part of the process since everything on this stage is new to you.

L. Nobody will teach you how to deal with adulthood. You have to figure out it all by yourself. This is a thrilling, dangerous, exciting and exhausting stage that you have to conquer to reach the next tougher level. If you do not survive this, good luck Mario in saving your damsel in distress.

M. Intelligence is not sufficed to reach for your dream. It also takes courage. You have to be bold to take risks and go out of your comfort zone. You also have to have patience in waiting for the results. If it still did not fruit into something good, you should be patient enough to try again until you reach for it.

N. Education is absolutely important but having a college degree is not a guarantee that you are going to end up living a great life, rather it is simply an edge amongst others who are battling for that wonderful prize. It is up to you how are you going to use that beautiful priviledge given to you. Do not waste it. Tons of people out there wants to have education like yours.

O. Sometimes, you really have to speak out your thoughts and opinions for people to shut the fuck up and for them to realize that you are tired of them or their hideous attitudes.

P. You do not need to always look good in everyone’s eyes. You are a human being; allowed to commit mistakes but capable of learning; righteous to feeling something extreme. Everyday is not always a good day.

Q. Never compare yourself to others. The more you do, the more frustrated and exhausted you will be. The more you do, the more negative feelings you will attract. Stop comparing. And live your life.

R. Social media is a powerful instrument nowadays but you should not let this thing define your success, your life and most especially who you truly are. Do not be impressed by everything you see there. Not all you see there is true. If not some, most of them are deceit for the sake of wanting to look good in the eyes of everybody.

S. Life will never ever adjust itself for you. You must adjust yourself to deal with it.

I love you, I hate you

I love you, I hate you
I don’t know
what I feel

One moment, I’m
thrilled;
the next I know
I’m losing
my head

Is this how it’s
supposed to
be if it’s
something real?

No idea for
it always
happen to me
all the time
and I bled.

Should I pursue
or should I go?
I’m torn
between love
and hate.

Is this feeling
still worth a try
or just
another lost
chance?

Loving and hating,
are they balanced
together by
crazy fate?

Tell me, are you
worthy on this
love and hate dance?