The problem with me is I cannot hate you; no matter how many pains you hurled at me; no matter how badly you hurt me either intentionally or not, I always go back to that one thing—that I love you so. I always try to look for reasons why I should hate you, why I should let you go but at the end of the day, I couldn’t because I need you. With each passing day, I need you more than ever. And this kind of feeling for someone like you is dangerous for someone like me—you are both my cure and my poison. So how do you expect me to live with that?

 

What’s with you? I am willing to be like a fool. I am willing to swallow my pride which is very important with me. I’m willing to look cheap and desperate. Just for me to be with you. Just for that one thing I badly need from you. I know I am insane because of this too much love but I no longer care. I just want you and only you.

 

Yet, I know you don’t even give a slightest damn about me, about my feelings, about my endless show of concern and affection for you. Maybe I am not really worth it. Maybe you truly enjoy fooling around. Maybe you absolutely enjoy playing games with me. Maybe you love the idea of someone like me is head over heels to someone like you. And I don’t know.

 

Right now, my head is filled with nothing but tangled thoughts. Also, I could no longer separate the truth from the lies. I no longer know the real and pure things. And to make it all more fuck up? I no longer care as long as you’re there.

There are just these days that I simply don’t want to speak or talk to anybody. It doesn’t mean that I am pushing them away in my life. I just need these kinds of moments. I need to be alone with all of these raging thoughts in my head. I need to find solitude. I need to stay away from everyone even to those persons who mean the most to me. I just need some space and air for myself. I need some distance. During this time, talking tends to be tiring for me; I simply want to stay in one corner and think whatever the hell is going on in my life. Some may never understand me or this certain behavior of mine. But I cannot blame them since I even don’t understand myself why I need this. Maybe this is who I really am. Maybe, I truly find inner happiness, peace and myself when I am alone. But one thing is for sure, I will come back and talk to the people around me sooner or later. Maybe I am simply too lost and broken lately to start acting like this once more.

Call me stupid. I tried giving you a call earlier this morning since I’ve heard in the news that your city was hit by the earthquake. I wan to make sure that you’re still doing fine despite the tragedy. But unfortunately, both of your numbers could no longer be reached. I tried several times on different times today but I still got the same old tragic result. I felt sad since those numbers are precious to me. They are my connections to you. Most of our wonderful memories happened through them. So what to do now? I’ve totally lost you. It just a proof that you’re no longer coming back. You didn’t even inform me. Are you already out of the country? If so, great. I would no longer hear from you. Just great.

In case you can read this, how are you? I hope you’re doing fine. Honestly, the reason why I don’t change my numbers is the truth that I was somehow hoping that you’d be back. We’re not friends in any social media account so how can I reach you if I lost your number? If you can read this, I just want you to know that I missed you badly. I truly missed talking to you. I missed those late night conversations. I missed the way my phone rings any time of the day since you’re calling me up. I missed you, would you still come back?

Yeah, you’re one of the monsters in my past that keep on taunting me any time of the day. Great, right?

If you only have a way to figure out how much I missed talking to you, what would you do? To tell you honestly, I’ve been battling all the temptations inside me to drop a message in your inbox to tell all the things I wanted to say, most especially the fact that I truly and deeply missed conversing with you. You’re such a great and incredible conversationalist that I would never get tired of talking. And maybe that’s one of the million reasons why my heart started to sway in a crazy beat for you.

Yes, I missed you but I couldn’t tell it to you. I must suppress every raging emotion inside me. If I do drop a message to you, all of my closed wounds would be re-opened. And all of the long buried pains would be awoken. I don’t want that to happen. I’ve had had enough of the sorrows and miseries my feelings for you brought me. But still, I missed you. And this stupid longing of me for you allow me to feel as lonely as possible. Damn it. This is one of the thousand reasons why having feelings for someone who won’t ever see my worth is at the bottom part of my list.

I missed you. I missed the sound of your voice. I just want to see the light  and colors in your eyes when you talk. I want to see your smile. I want to be with you. But I couldn’t. And I know, I wouldn’t for the rest of my life.

There really is this kind of night when I would realize that I am lonely as fuck. All my frustrations, broken dreams, rejections and sorrows seem to agree that they would be doing their best all at the same time to make me as horrible as possible– no matter what I do, I couldn’t strangle myself out of them. And on night like this, happiness becomes elusive. You cannot find it anywhere and everywhere. Why is that? Did happiness make a deal with sadness?

I just realized, with each passing day, as I age, loneliness is easier to find than joy and delight. You would strive hard to have happiness but when it comes to loneliness? It would be effortless. It would come to you for free. It would knock onto your door without any sign and warning. Is growing up really supposed to be this way? Is it really supposed to be filled with negative emotions I’ve been trying hard to eradicate out of my system? Or is it really me? Is it really me who made it all hard from the very beginning? Or is it really me who keeps on pushing myself to my limit which would only lead to huge blows and assaults of frustrations when in fact, I could take some rest? I don’t know.

I noticed that my writings lately usually go around the whole idea of miseries, frustrations, sadness and longing. Would it still change? Would I still go back to my old writing style that it was filled with joy, hopes and positivity about life and whatever lies with it? I don’t know. Lately, I am simply lost. I am simply going with the flow of my boring and repetitious life without doing anything to turn it or to go against it. I simply don’t have any idea what to do in my life anymore.

Sadness is the root of all of this. If I could only be filled with joy and vibrancy tantamount to the happiness of kids, this could be easier. But I couldn’t as much as I wanted to; as hard as I made a pact with myself that I would start changing my outlook in life– it must be leading towards appreciation and understanding positivity and joy.

With this, I will end this stupid and senseless writing with a huge hope that everything will be alright eventually.

Note to Everybody about Sadness

As we age, life keeps on getting harder and tougher. Our emotions falter from time to time. Most of the times we feel something we couldn’t define. Usually, we feel a thing we’ve never felt before. And what’s worse than that, as we grow up, it’s mostly negative feelings. But we have to remember something. There’s more to life than frustrations, heartaches, sorrows and sadness. For us to be more human and to feel more alive, we have to suffer those unwanted emotions, however, we must never forget that we should never drown ourselves in them. Rather, we must oblige ourselves to seek positive thoughts, happiness and joy surrounding us. I understand that looking for those things is not easy when negative emotions were already too much to take but you have to try. We have to try. We really have to. It’s for our own good. Little by little, we have to attempt finding good things around us. We can find something if we only have a little patience—it may not be as big as the other, but at least we find it, right? Soon enough, our outlook towards life will be more vibrant and better.

 

Sadness will never be out of the way. It’s part of the process whether we like it or not. Its presence in our lives always mean something—it always present itself for us to learn something or to appreciate the thing we usually take for granted. It will never fail to figure out the hidden passages towards your entirety to fulfill its mission of destroying you. But we’re all a changed person. We have a new way on how to throw it away without hesitation; we already find a way to leave it all behind; we finally find a way not to dwell in it and be the best version of ourselves.

Just a Random Journal Entry

As I was walking along the street towards my office with my headphones on, my attention was suddenly veered into the falling dried leaves across the other lane. It was such a beautiful sight for me. For a short time, they were suspended in mid-air glimmering in their golden brown glow and swaying in the soft beats of the wind. They looked like confetti for me until they slowly fell above the head of a man riding a bike and roof of a white Honda. And honestly, I truly appreciate that simple pleasure and beauty of an ordinary day that it brought my lips into an upward pull. There’s always a beauty in everything and everywhere, it’s only up to you to find and appreciate it. Just look for it and it will fill your heart with gladness.

Please look at me like I am made of star dusts. I know I am a mess; miseries were stitched in my fiber, skin and bones but I can feel, at least, wonderfully created if you do me that simple favor. Please tell me that you will stay with me despite my imperfections and sorrows. I know I am hard to deal with and complicated, but when you’re by my side, I can never be alone.

Unti-unti, nauubos na naming muli ang natitirang katiting kong kumpiyansa sa sarili. Hindi ko alam ang rason bakit palagi na lang akong dumarating sa punto na ‘to ng buhay ko kahit na ba anong pag-iwas ang gawin ko. Bakit nga ba? Ano ang mali? Buhat ba ito ng mga tao sa paligid ko? O bunga ng palagian kong pagkukumpara sa aking sarili sa mga katangian ng iba gayong batid ko naman na hindi ako kagaya nila? Siguro, nasa akin ang mali. Siguro, ako rin talaga ang tunay na dahilan bakit ako umaabot sa yugto na ‘to. Siguro kung iniisip ko lang at sinasabi sa sarili ko na kaya ko; na kaya kong higitan kung ano man ang ginagawa nila; at kaya kong abutin ang mga pangarap ko, mas magiging madali ang pagtanggap ko sa pagulong-gulong na reyalidad.

Ngunit sa kasamaang palad, hindi ko magawa. Lalo ko lamang minamadali ang sarili ko kaya naman nadaragdagan at nagpapatong-patong ang mga dahilan upang maupos ang kumpiyansa ko sa sarili. Paano ba ito pahintuhin? Paano ba unti-unting baguhin ang takbo ng isipan ko nang sagayon maging positibo ang tingin ko sa araw-araw—positibo na tama ang tinatahak kong landas upang makamit ang mga pangarap ko? Paano nga ba?

 

Kung tutuusin, mapalad ako. Buhay ako. Buo ang pamilya ko. May mga kaibigan akong nandyan para sa akin. May trabaho ako. Maliit man, ang mahalaga ay may sahod ako na panggastos. May nag-aantay na promosyon. Pero bakit ganito pa rin ang pakiramdam ko? May kulang. Hindi kuntento. Hindi masaya. Dapat ko ba itong isisi sa ugali ng halos lahat ng tao na hanapin ang wala sa kanila? O sa sarili ko lang para sa patuloy na paghahanap ng mga bagay na maaari namang dumating sa buhay ko sa tamang panahon, kung matututunan ko lang magtiis at mag-antay?

 

Umuusad ang oras. Nauubos sa araw-araw. May nangyayari ba? Siguro at patuloy ko lang iyong binabalewala sa pagkata tuon ang utak ko sa isang malaking larawan na napakatagal na pahanon pa ang gugugulin bago makumpleto ang matitingkad na kulay. Umaandar ang oras. Paano na? Hahayaan ko lang baa ng sarili kong ganito? O mas mainam na umpisahan ko nang baguhin ang takbo nito?

I keep on breaking apart no matter how hard I try to pull myself together. I tried my best to remain intact with myself, however, I figured out that my foundation is no longer sturdy like it used to. Why? Since you found your own way to penetrate the deepest core of my being– that one distinct part of myself that supports my whole system to be me. And you destroyed it for giving me these feelings I never wanted in the first place. I never knew that I am capable of loving someone this much. Again. After all the heart breaks of my past caused me, here I am, caught in a messy and tangled situation once more. It is complicated, blurry and complex. All I ever wanted is for this to end.

But it just don’t.

Maybe I should take the blame for that; I keep on holding into this thin hope that the two of us can actually be together once and for all, when in the first place, I know that letting everything go will allow this madness to subside.