It is almost midnight and here I am still awake since the thoughts of you keep bothering me. The truth already kicks in that I am lonely about the things that happened. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I am alright and fine, it’s useless since I know the truth. I know myself better. I am not fine at all. I am still silently screaming along with the horrid thoughts in my head that a chance for us to be together would no longer ensue.
You touched my heart and soul nobody did. As I’ve said, you’re one of the fewest persons I can talk with anything under the universe. I have so much fun with our deep conversations. I grew up with you. And I firmly believe that it’s one of the main reasons why I am acting this way– somewhat helpless and messy. I need you. I want you. And there’s no way that it would be gone as soon as you thought it would be. If it could only be over as swift as it started, these words would never come to existence. But feelings are feelings. They made my entirety; they composed me; they made me feel more alive and of a human. Either positively or negatively.
I have never been like this to anybody and it’s strange. Maybe ours is different. Maybe it’s because of the strange connection with disconnection. I don’t know. I just feel this way. And I don’t know how long I will be like this. I need to make myself feel that I am alright and it may happen if I try to put them into words.
Hopefully, when I wake up tomorrow, I will be my old self. But that’s impossible. It will take a long time for me to be on that state again. Yet I am hopeful that I will be. Fingers-crossed.
PS. I don’t even know if I ever crossed your mind before you turned in for the night or if you ever feel my absence.
PS again. I just tell myself that you got tired of me and soon enough, you will no longer be responding to any of my messages and be gone for good. It’s a horrible and devastating state, but I guess I can manage if I let myself stand up again.