Silence is a beautiful idea since it allows a person to think thoroughly about his life. But it is likely the case if negative thoughts will never ever penetrate his mind. And that’s one of the few reasons why silence is dreadful sometimes—it also gives access to negative thoughts to enter someone’s mind. And I could really relate into it.
I wonder if my 20s will always be like this—filled with endless frustrating thoughts towards my life that there is really nothing happening about it. I don’t know if I am the one who’s like this, giving a real damn about life nor is there somebody out there who is as frustrated as me about his or her life. The 20s should be fun, right? I finished my studies; I’ve got a stable job in an international company; I have money; I am young and free but it still feels like something is really missing; and that something is the huge piece that could actually fill the void in me.
If I could be only be a kid who only cared about my toys or a teenager who was having fun with friends all day long once again, I would but unfortunately I couldn’t. I have to face the terrible state of growing up. And this is ironically a beautiful yet miserable trap made to test all the things you’ve learned in school. However, those things written in books are not the actual answers for this test. And that’s what made it even more frustrating. Sometimes, I wonder if life is a deadly fluid of frustrations and sorrows and miseries meant to be injected into my veins to flow freely in my bloodstream to slowly kill me. I don’t know.
Less than one month from now, I will turn 23. Am I excited? I don’t know. Usually, when my birth month is coming, all of my senses were alive since at last, after 11 months of waiting, my special month and day was finally coming. But as I aged, birthday seemed to be a terrible idea. Why? It means that I’ve wasted another year for nothing has actually changed in my life; nothing big or unusual that I really wanted; nothing at all. I just aged and that’s it. My dreams aren’t still in my hands.
I thought it would be easy when I was still a student; I built the life I wanted in my stupid head with high hopes and flying colours that I would achieve them at an early age. But I got it all wrong. It would take a lot of perseverance, perspirations, frustrations, sorrows, hopes, miseries, pains and tons of unwanted feelings for me to get there. And I think, I am still not in the middle of my stairs to be there. It just felt like I’m only beginning and there are so many more steep steps and rocky roads to take for me to get there.
And I am getting impatient when in the first place I shouldn’t be. I should simply enjoy the ride to that journey.
I thought after I graduate, it’s alright. I can do whatever I want. I can be who I really am. But bull shit, it isn’t the case! I already knew what I wanted to be but I still don’t know the road to take to be able to get there. This frustrating life is full of tangled webs of choices; one mistake could actually lead me to my downfall. I couldn’t just easily decide for my life since I am afraid to end up with nothing; I am afraid if I fell somewhere I don’t want to be in, I will never have the guts to stand up again. Deciding for my future is such a hard task to do. I no longer believe that my future or my destiny has already been made or foretold a long time ago since the day I was born. Why? Simply because it can only happen based on the choices or roads I will make today. Right now, I am still unknown and nobody; a frustrated dreamer who still aspires that his voice will be heard and someday, he could change the world for the better.
I know for a fact that even I put an end to these endless dramatic frustrations of mine, those fiendish thoughts in my head will still be there. They seemed to enjoy my company that they chose to stay for a time being.
Maybe, hopefully, someday, the dreams I built for myself when I was a kid would happen and I would just look back into this writing with a huge smile across my face since I was laughing at my own foolishness to think this way. Hopefully, I wouldn’t read this eventually with tears flowing in my eyes since I didn’t make it. Yet despite the bull shits of life, it still knows how to offer hope. And all I can do right now is to hope with perseverance, patience and determination that I will make it.