Walls were built around me. I always try my hardest to detach myself from someone I might fall in love with but the stubborn part of me always drag myself towards that person. In the past, I already picked up my broken pieces which I used to build sturdier and taller walls. And I don’t desire for that to ensue once more. As much as possible, I don’t want to feel anything special for a single person. It’s driving me crazy every time it happens.
However, there were really instances in my messy life that I wanted to feel love from a single person I am in love with as well. Maybe, I’ve been lying to myself and to the people around me every time I said that I do not need a love life; family and friends are more than enough. Maybe a hidden portion of me desires to be loved like the way I wanted; like I deserved to. Maybe. But fears always wrapped my entirety. What if I wasn’t meant to find that special someone? What if it is always unrequited? What if I can’t prolong the relationship? What if I am really messy and impulsive? Tons of what ifs already blurred my mind. Maybe it’s all because of my experiences when it comes to love. It hasn’t started, yet I already knew its tragic ending. Our ship hasn’t started sailing, yet it’s already sinking. And maybe that’s the reason why I hate it when a person shows a slightest hint of sweetness to me; I am afraid of falling; of everything.
I wanted to feel something beautiful; that I was born to be loved in an explicable manner more than I can ever imagine. I longed for an emotional attachment which will last. I desire for an attention that will never appear clingy or pushy. Maybe these are the things I cannot admit to myself and to the people around me. Maybe I am still that human being who needs love at all no matter how hard I forced myself no to feel anything.