Sucker at Feeling

Reality always hits me every time I get the chance to reflect about the spiral series of events of my day. I ain’t a perfect person. And nobody is. Nobody will be. But as much as possible, I want to look good in the eyes of the people around me. Though to be human is to be perfectly flawed as one of the quotes I’ve read had said so. That’s kind of a hell for an intro since in the first place, it has nothing to do with what I am going to say.

I always have this habit of being cold to people every time they do something I really despise. Even they try their hardest to win me back, the ice barricading my heart just simply didn’t melt. I can forgive. But I can’t forget. And that’s not a good thing, I know. Forgive me. But that’s me. And I don’t know if I can change that for the better since they say that to forgive is to forget.

Not only that. I also have this strange habit of pushing people away every time they feel something for me which they shouldn’t feel. You know that thing. We are just supposed to be friends and nothing but friends. Yes, I know that between the thin lines of friendship, romance is inevitable. But I just can’t simply help it. I always do that. Thunder should hail at me by doing so.

If that makes me a bad person, then I am a bad person.

Should I find myself falling for someone, it is always unrequited. Maybe, that’s my punishment for pushing people who truly care about me, as a human being. Maybe, that’s a lesson for me to remember that sometimes the one who’s really meant for me is the one I keep on taking for granted. But still, err.

Usually, I suck at handling my feelings. I can’t deal with them very well just like what others can. All I can rely on are my best friends namely guitar, paper and pen. Surely, the moment my emotions are at their peak, I will write songs about them. And I suck at telling to others my true sensations, I mean, we will go round and round before I can tell you what I truly feel even you are my closest friend.

To be completely honest, I know that this writing sucks. That even I myself don’t know where it’s leading. But seriously, these are the emotions I suppressed for so long since I wasn’t able to write these past few days due to my business in the office aside from my daily journal. And sure thing that nobody will give a damn about these superfluous words. It’s okay. At least, I tried my hardest to put them into words.

I can’t even call myself an anti-social. In the first place. I love dealing with people. But ironically, I don’t want to be in a huge crowd, The introvert side of me always showed up every time I am in the middle of a crowd; most especially when I don’t have any close friends nearby. And that’s the reason why I am easily get affected by the people around me; by the way they converse, they act or do things their own way. Since I don’t know if the wrong is in me because I don’t go along with them.

And I have no idea how to put an end to this stupid writing of mine. Maybe, I will leave this hanging like the way most people do to me.

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3 thoughts on “Sucker at Feeling

  1. Reading this made me say, “SOBRA!!!!” Lalo na sa part na, ‘Not only that. I also have this strange habit of pushing people away every time they feel something for me which they shouldn’t feel. You know that thing. We are just supposed to be friends and nothing but friends. Yes, I know that between the thin lines of friendship, romance is inevitable. But I just can’t simply help it. I always do that. Thunder should hail at me by doing so.

    If that makes me a bad person, then I am a bad person.

    Should I find myself falling for someone, it is always unrequited. Maybe, that’s my punishment for pushing people who truly care about me, as a human being. Maybe, that’s a lesson for me to remember that sometimes the one who’s really meant for me is the one I keep on taking for granted. But still, err.’

    Aside we took up the same course, this is exactly what I’m experiencing and all I did was push him away as well. Maybe, it’s for the better. Only time can tell. 😐 😦

    • Di ba sobrang hirap pag ganun. ung tipong gusto mong irepay ung feelings nya kaso alam mong mali rin namang pilitin ung sarili mong mahalin siya pabalik. nice to know we took the same course. 🙂

      • But with mine, it’s the other way around. Ako yung hindi marepay – which is very fine with me kaya lang, ako rin nag-push away to work on my self and some love lapses. 😦

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