There are really moments like this that I want to stay in the middle of the night still as the graveyard; when the world is all asleep; be drowned in my own thoughts; feeling all those crazy emotions inside me which I didn’t allow myself to be engaged into during the busy day; and be me– the real me. Appreciation towards solitude is something I really admire and will always be.
These days, barging thoughts and emotions kept on crawling their ways in my veins to ruin my entirety but I am not fully allowing them to enter my system since happiness can still be found via simple things which were usually taken for granted by other people. The quietness of our living room when I lumbered down the stairs at 04:50 in the morning since I have to go to the office; the chilly wind in my bare skin after I opened the window; the rummaging thoughts in my mind on how I will seize the day; the faces of the strangers I encounter in the public vehicles as jeepney and LRT; and the stories playing inside my head towards what’s the underlying story behind their smiles, laughter, seriousness etc…
To be completely honest with you, I no longer have any idea what is this text post all about. I am not aware of my grammar or anything since what I wanted was to let my feelings and thoughts be converted into crappy words which will immortalize my being– if someone will truly care about this thing. It’s already 01:02 in the morning as I typed these words and drowsiness already knocked in my eyes for a couple of times but I am not letting it despite I have had sleep deprivation in this whole week for I am afraid sometimes of my dark thoughts– towards myself, some of my office-mates which I detest or pour me with annoyance.
Frustration is a major thing in me when I enter the adulthood stage of my life and when I’ve got a job. Why? Why? In all honesty, I really didn’t expect that I am going to land in this job; particularly in this company despite I spent my OJT there. But I truly love my work with all of my heart because I can feel the appreciation, care and challenge inside our group. That’s what I want. But why am I frustrated? Simply because it’s not my dream.. what I deeply long is to be a successful writer. Be heard by thousands of people and they’ll send me letters that I inspire them with my writings; whether my stories or my songs. Yeah, that’s what I want and I dunno if I will ever get there; most especially when I ain’t making a simple move to find a publication house or a recording company which will give me a break eventually for me to get a full grasp of my now-impossible dream.
Yeah. This is my biggest frustration all throughout. What if? What if? What if? Fuck what if! I always tell myself that soon enough I will get there when I started to feel that these two words already find their ways to cripple in me. Someday, I believe I will get there. I will be heard. But for now, I have to exert my best-est or not, the best for me to catch that dream I have held since I was fifteen; a naive small town boy who loves to play guitar and write his own songs based on his surroundings, feelings, emotions, heartbreaks, longings, girls and other sorts of things.